


Peter Parker Cannot Do Disguises

by FullMetalNerd



Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Beards, Crack, Gen, Humour, Mustaches, There are goatees, blond tony starks, goatee!peter, ned makes an appearance, this fic has it all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-29 04:55:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13919805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FullMetalNerd/pseuds/FullMetalNerd
Summary: ALT TITLE: The Goatee ficPeter is not good at making disguises for missions.-----Stupid crack fic I wrote in an afternoon on discord, it's kinda funny so?? If you want??





	Peter Parker Cannot Do Disguises

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spicyjarvis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spicyjarvis/gifts), [RinnyKi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RinnyKi/gifts).



“So… when abouts do we have to meet, Mr. Stark?” Peter said, pacing his room nervously.

“12:30, outside the Avengers Tower, on the dot. I would send Happy to pick you up but remember, we have to be in disguise, think you can make your way there on your own?” Tony’s tinny voice came from the phone’s speakers.

“Wait, we have to be in disguise?” Peter said.

“ Yes, were you not listening?” Tony said, sounding annoyed.

“I was, I was!” Peter protested.

(Or lied, Peter had tuned out the minute Tony said he would be working with Captain America on this mission but that was neither here nor there.)

“Okay then, so 12:30, Avengers Tower, in disguise.”

“Yeah, got it” Peter said.

There was pause on both ends of the phone line.

“Okay, what is it kid?” Tony asked.

“Nothing! I just… where am I going to get a good disguise from?”

“You’ll think of something, you’re resourceful. See you there.”

Peter stared at his battered phone, where the CALL ENDED screen was displayed.

“Was that Iron Man?” An excited voice came from behind Peter. Peter turned to where Ned was sitting on his bed, next to a half finished Lego Tracker 1 ship from Star Wars.

“Yeah it was!” Peter grinned. “ Guess what! He wants me to go on an undercover mission with him AND Captain America!”

“Bad Ass…”Ned gasped, looking like he was about to die from excitement.

“I know right!” Peter said, bouncing on his heels as he looked around his room. “ Mr. Stark said I had to wear a disguise though…” He trailed off thoughtfully.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Ned said.

“Yeah!” Peter said, turning and grabbing some things from his dresser. “Let’s get to work!”  
\---------------

 

Tony looked over at Steve, unamused.

“What?” Steve said.

“That is possibly the shittiest disguise I’ve ever seen.” Tony said, glaring through his sunglasses.

“Excuse me?” Steve said “This is an amazing disguise!”

“Steve. Growing a beard isn’t a fucking disguise.” Tony said.

“It is!” Steve insisted “No one plays close attention to a man with a beard! Anyway, yours is rubbish too!”

“It is not!” Tony said “It is a disguise carefully created for optimal subterfuge!”

“Tony.” Steve said with a blank stare “You dyed your hair blond and changed suits.”

“Exactly!” Tony said “No one would ever suspect a blonde Tony Stark!”

“I can’t believe you just said that…”

“Hey Mr Stark! Mr Captain America, Sir!” Someone called out, webbing his way onto the balcony they were standing on.

“Hello there kid” Tony said before turning to face Steve. “May I present to you, Spiderman. Steve, Spiderman, Spiderman, Ste-” He stopped, as he saw an indescribable expression come across Steve’s face.

“What, what is it?” He asked, turning around again to face Peter.

“Okay.” Tony said. “You have 5 seconds to tell me why there are dead caterpillars on your face?”

“There are?” Peter said, running hands over his face.

“No. Kid, what have you done to your face?”

“What are you talking about Mr. Stark? It’s my disguise!” Peter said. Steve was letting out choked sniggers.

Peter was wearing deep red shorts, with a short sleeved white t-shirt with the words “Boston Marathon 1997” emblazoned in big bold lettering. That’s not what was Tony was currently looking at. On Peter’s face, was a mustache and goatee.

The mustache, looked like it belonged to some sleezy car dealer, while the goatee looked like a straight hairy line, that went from the bottom of Peters lip to his chin.

“Kid? How did you even do this?” Tony said, stepping forwards. “What possesed you to think this was a good idea- hold on, is this marker?” Tony rubbed his hand over the goatee, only for it to smear.

“...Yes…” Peter said, looking down.

“Jesus, okay tell you what, let’s just go inside and fix up these disguises, because quite frankly, they’re shit.”

“Even mine?” Steve said.

“Especially yours” Tony said, turning and herding Peter inside.

Steve shrugged. “FRIDAY, save all footage from the past half hour and send it to me.”

“Right away Sir.” FRIDAY said as Steve went back into the tower to get rid of the beard.

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote using this LIT DISCORD (please join it for more marvel banter)
> 
> COPY AND PASTE TO JOIN:  
> https://discord.gg/J5qYyEc
> 
> Idk what this is, I didn't even edit it. I feel like everyone is OOC here but whatever


End file.
